Spite is the best motivator
As a writer and comedian, I deal frequently with rejection. Imposter syndrome. Low cash flow, negativity, few opportunities. Did I mention rejection?
With all of these bad vibes coming at me all the time, you might think that I combat it with a hefty dose of positivity.
I do. Sometimes.
But when I get into the darkest place, when I doubt myself as a creator, and I start thinking about how much easier it would be to give up…
I think about all the people who doubted me. Who discouraged me. The people who told me my dreams were impossible, to give up, that I wasn’t good enough…
And goodness, I want them to FEEL BAD ABOUT IT.
Welcoming spite into my heart has greatly improved my life
I remember when I first started freelancing… I reached out to a work colleague who left to found a startup (he made a dumb app).
I was just starting out as a marketing copywriter, so I asked him if he knew anyone in his space who needed that kind of work done.
I was a full time business analyst at that point. He told me that no one would “believe” an analyst was also a words person, and that before I tried getting any clients, I should spend FIVE YEARS building up my portfolio.
He suggested I “take it slow” and start by moving to the marketing department of my company, and then after many, many years, I could start seeking clients outside of the protective walls of Corporate.
He assured me that then, and only then, would I begin to have a CHANCE at getting clients.
I told him, “I already have five marketing clients.”
He was dumb. He had no idea how freelancing worked, or how to get started. He just saw I was a young woman trying something new, and he assumed I couldn’t do it.
He was wrong. And I LOVE proving him wrong every day, since I’ve been a full-time freelance writer for three years now.
People are dumb. Prove them wrong.
He wasn’t the only one who discouraged me. I also had people who tried to drain my energy or confidence because it frightened them or made them jealous.
These were “friends” who, whenever I accomplished a goal, mocked or belittled it.
The people who, after I moved to LA, said that it was “too crowded” and “no one ever makes it out there.”
People who said I was being “selfish” focusing on my career and not making more time for their needs (yes, these were grown people, and not my children. I don’t have children. This wasn’t even my boyfriend. He wishes I spent MORE time on my career).
I’ve dealt with a lot of energy vampires and narcissists in my life. Luckily, they’re all out of my life now. I hope.
But I really want to succeed, to write, to make stuff, despite their efforts to hold me back and tear me down.
Because it feels damn good to prove someone wrong when they were awful to you.
It’s not just a mean thing.
Some people didn’t necessarily have malicious intent. They were just scared for my sake.
These were people who said that freelancing was too unpredictable, there wasn’t a big enough safety net, that I should work part-time or do something more normal for a while, first.
It is also fun to prove these people wrong.
I love succeeding in spite of their doubts, or even just struggling in spite of their fears, even when I don’t feel like I’m necessarily succeeding.
This is a rather positive form of spite, because this subgroup actually cares about my wellbeing, so they’re pretty happy when I prove them wrong!
Why spite is the superior motivator.
Unlike most other motivations, spite does not rely on positivity or even much energy. It’s an easy thing to feel because it comes from anger.
That means you can be feeling like absolute crap, and still tell yourself, “But I’m going to finish my novel, because that a-hole thought I couldn’t.”
I have a lot of different motivators in my tool box. For instance, I think a lot about why I write: books saved my life many times, and I want to pay that forward.
But when I’m feeling down on myself and questioning my self-worth, that doesn’t always work. I say, “Who am I to do that? What makes me think I’m that valuable?”
Then I think of how it would feel to have the people who doubted me go, “See? I was right.”
And that makes me so mad I get back to work.
Will spite work for you?
I will admit, I am a contrarian. I will simply not do something just because someone else told me to do it.
It can be an inconvenient flaw. For instance, sometimes other people have good suggestions!
However, it makes spite a very good motivator. If you are the kind of person who, when someone says “Don’t touch the stove,” you’re like, “Who are YOU to tell me not to-” and then you get burnt, then this will work great for you!
How to use spite to motivate you
Start by thinking about the mean or scared people who have doubted you in the past.
Don’t pick people who you really respect or who have done what you’re trying to accomplish, because it’s harder to disregard their opinion.
For instance, if your favorite writer gave you feedback once and told you that you “aren’t ready” to be a writer… don’t use that! Try your best to forget about it, you’ll just hurt your own feelings.
But if your random aunt or uncle or whoever who’s never made anything in their life suggests you get a “real job”… that’s perfect for this.
Yes… feel the dark side…
Now that you have some examples of people who’ve doubted you, take a moment to imagine two things:
What it would feel like to hear them say “See? I was right about you.”
What it WILL feel like when they see you accept your award, publish your book, whatever it is you’re trying to do.
Spend a lot more time focusing on the second one, since the first one is kind of depressing if it’s not followed up by the second.
Focus on that second feeling. That wonderful, soaring-high feeling of I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, YOU WERE WRONG, AND I AM AWESOME.
Is this petty? Maybe. I don’t care, because it works!
If this strategy doesn’t work for you, you’ll know that automatically. It will feel kind of wrong because you’re a nice person and you don’t like vengeance.
I, however, am very motivated by vengeance.
If you’re like me, I’m telling you that it’s okay. Take that anger and use it to fuel your efforts. Show them what you’re made of. They were wrong about you, and the people who support you are RIGHT.
The underlying feeling and goal is very positive. I’m not wishing anything bad for anybody else, I’m just wishing good things for myself.
If that bothers them… that is their problem. And I’m going to make it my solution!
Need help feeling more creative?
Spite alone probably can’t do it all, although it certainly gets me through some rough days!
If you need more help to feel at your most creative, we’ve got you covered.
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